Yesterday Was A Bit Much…

Yesterday was my transplant appointment.  As usual, my bestie & I left in plenty of time to get down there.  From early on, the drive was problematic.  I kept it to myself but something just felt weird about the day  but I couldn’t put my finger on it immediately.

However, I enjoyed that extra time.

As usual, we have good chats & sometimes chats that we just don’t have because we are too distracted with other things going on.

It took us over two hours to get down there. We were running about 15-20 minutes late. I dropped off my concentrator & asked about my breathing test, but they didn’t have me scheduled, so it took a lot of wrangling. Report upstairs to my doc, have them send me back down, hurry up & wait.

During this time I saw a CNN alert about a death investigation at Prince’s estate.  I just shook my head.

A few minutes later she came into to tell me the news & I get a text from my other best friend at home about it.   I just sat there.   I couldn’t really register it.

I was called back & there were several techs & people in the lung function room discussing it.  My tech was about my age & so I told her I was upset to hear.  She recounted she was too but then also remembered how upset she was when she found out Michael Jackson had died because of how much his music had been a part of her life. Prince was the same way, too.

I couldn’t think about it much after because I didn’t have that much time, until we hit the outpatient laboratory as the last stop of the day.

I was really upset about the way some of this was being reported before the facts are in. Such wild speculations.

But here’s the thing, Prince dealt with a lot in his life & although he was open as an artist, there were things he was private about.  That is ok.  People should respect that.

Yet, he was so wildly expressive about so many important issues that needed to be spoken about.

He was a huge part of my life for a long time.  I remember hearing many of his popular songs. As for his movies, I probably have seen Under the Cherry Moon at least 3 times,  Purple Rain close to 12.

Even some of his “panned” albums I bought to support him because he went rogue & independent before most people did & could & before it was a thing to do.

I remember watching him do “1999” live on that very New Year’s Eve with Dick Clark.   Partying with friends at the Lantern while I was in college to P***y Control blaring out the speakers to let off steam. Everyone knows I don’t really dance (especially now), but I would for Prince even with two left feet.

Some of his best work is more obscure which is a shame but I see this happen frequently with artists.

I know I also admired him for taking stands on unpopular subjects & championing causes in a positive way that had a tendency to divide people. He could bring them together through a universal common denominator, a love of music. That’s a powerful gift.

He talked about every aspect of the life experience.  Sex and death & everything else.

Two of my best friends songs they posted yesterday in meaningful tributes are ones that most people don’t remember or never heard (or very few do) but the quality shows in the writing, not just the musicianship.

I think these songs showed the immense depth of Prince as a person.

lyrics from “Sometimes It Snows in April” – Parade (& movie “Under the Cherry Moon”)

Tracy died soon after a long fought civil war,
Just after I’d wiped away his last tear
I guess he’s better off than he was before,
A whole lot better off than the fools he left here
I used to cry for Tracy because he was my only friend
Those kind of cars don’t pass you every day
I used to cry for Tracy because I wanted to see him again,
But sometimes sometimes life ain’t always the way

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish life was never ending,
And all good things, they say, never last

Springtime was always my favorite time of year,
A time for lovers holding hands in the rain
Now springtime only reminds me of Tracy’s tears
Always cry for love, never cry for pain
He used to say so strong unafraid to die
Unafraid of the death that left me hypnotized
No, staring at his picture I realized
No one could cry the way my Tracy cried

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad
Sometimes, sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
And all good things, they say, never last

I often dream of heaven and I know that Tracy’s there
I know that he has found another friend
Maybe he’s found the answer to all the April snow
Maybe one day I’ll see my Tracy again

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
But all good things, they say, never last

All good things that say, never last
And love, it isn’t love until it’s past

lyrics from “June” (HitnRun-Phase One):

Pasta simmers on the stove in June
Makes no sense yet, but it will soon
Conversation starters come way too hard
Nobody wants to be the martyr,
playin’ the wrong cards
Why did you come to this planet?
Why did you come to this life?
How can you be everybody’s dream,
and still be somebody’s wife?
Tell me, what did you have for lunch today?
That’s right, how would I know?
How would I know?
You are off somewhere, being free
while I starve in the lonesome cold.
Our bodies got used to each other
Now they’re used to the sound
of Richie Havens’ voice on the vinyl,
spinning round and round, round and round
Sometimes I feel I was born way too late
Shoulda been born on the Woodstock stage
But I’m just here, waitin’, and waitin’, and waitin’
Somebody famous had a birthday today
All I saw was another full moon
What’s that?
Something’s burning on the stove
Must be the pasta
Must be the pasta
Oh yeah, it’s June……

I have several favorite songs, it’s hard for me to pick one.

All of Prince’s songs strengthened my love of music,  appreciation for artistry as a whole, & my respect for him as a fellow Midwesterner & human being.

He reminds me of Bukowski a bit of how prolific he was. There are still things vaulted away that have yet to be released.

I saw a 15 second clip of him doing a tribute to David Bowie last month & the clip was of “Heroes”.  It gave me chills even in that short clip.

Bowie was another who taught me so much about life & art.

In fact, I was talking about how haunting his Lazurus video was.

But only because I completely understand it & his message behind it. Bowie wasn’t afraid either to discuss the spectrum of life.

I’m blessed to live in a creative household. I’m exposed to so much artistry & have several opportunities to learn in depth which I truly treasure.

But even before that, music has been my shelter in many storms of life.

Prince always seemed to have something that set me right when I needed it.

One of my first cassette tapes was from the Bangles & I played the hell out of that thing too.

There are certain people who have directly contributed to me being so diverse in my musical tastes: Duke Ellington, Prince, Johnny Cash, David Bowie, & my best friend Joey “G-Clef” Cavaseno are but the most important of many.

They have taught me more about music & life than I would have ever dreamed possible otherwise.

Little did anyone know that Prince wrote “Manic Monday” for the Bangles until yesterday.

So many good things he did for people, credited or not.

Seeing some of the stories shared on social media from other artists & hearing other artists talk about him from all walks of life & generations really moved me.

But I can’t help but feel that a bit of me is gone.

However, I was thinking…

Maybe since I get a private room from now on, after my transplant I can have some Duke playing as I’m coming to or need to remain calm,  Johnny when I’m scared or uncertain, some Prince & G-Clef on the regular to escape the “white walls” & downtime when I won’t feel like up to much. Then some Bowie when I’m hauling ass in rehab & around the hospital.  Or I just completely mix it up on whatever mood. But that sounds like a good game plan to me.

And just think….for once with my new gift I may be able to truly sing along  with any & all of these songs at full power, off-key or not, I don’t care…

I like that imagery. I think I’ll save it for holding when the time comes.





3 thoughts on “Yesterday Was A Bit Much…

  1. Nikki, special thanks for painting such a vivid, and pleasing picture for us. Truly appreciate that you shared the lyrics from two of Prince’s songs that bring meaning to you. Your vision for creating your own music therapy post-transplant sounds wonderful.
    Knockin’ Wood 4U!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Great post! Music is huge in my life as well. May Prince rest in peace.

    Also, this was just another reminder of how short life can be. Live every day fully and without regrets.

    I wish you the best!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am sorry for your loss. You didn’t know him but he his work had a lasting impact on your life. I feel the same way about some musicians too. I will look up those songs. 💓🌻

    Liked by 1 person

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