I felt off today when I got up & I didn’t immediately know why. But then it hit me. I saw something in my Timeline on Facebook that triggered me.
Just a year ago, I had been in Chicago for the weekend for a LAM meeting, catching up with things & people. I went home a little more tired than usual.
I noticed my breathing was a bit worse in the halls, even after I started to drop weight which usually helped. Noticing it before that even, figuring it was just the harshness of winter.
“Things always get better in the spring,” I told myself. Only this time, that wouldn’t be true.
I had been slowing on the phones on my job & glad I was promoted because I wasn’t quite certain how long I could keep up the volume of calls I had been taking without things being obvious.
Screaming headaches after exercise would soon follow as the real warning shot…
All of this I shared with no one as it happened at first because it took me a minute to unpack.
All of this (as I look back) was my mind mentally adjusting & preparing to don the armor once again. Subconscious signals I knew big changes were afoot again.
Just not fully realizing then how many…
A year ago, I was getting short of breath talking normally bit by bit…the bottom about to fall out. (I expected oxygen…transplant – not so much.)
Well it did, I’m surviving it. In my own way. Some days it’s easier than others.
I’ll probably be taking a few more steps back from social media to regroup & readjust.
Spending more time playing games, writing, doing fun stuff.
Maybe attending a few events or seeing what I can do about making the polls around here & rallies more accessible or at least raising the voice on that issue (& a few others) to someone.
This blog is important & I’ll continue it.
Sickadilly chat is important & I’ll continue that.
Beyond that, I’m just not sure right now.
I can’t take care of others outside my immediate inner circle & those who are strong with me. I’m not in a position to make promises or guarantees to anyone. I won’t.
I can’t be anyone’s hero or inspiration or role model or guru right now.
I can only be me.
I’m preparing to get into fighting shape again. That may be selfish, but that’s what I need to do.
I just signed another consent for more research to be done on these lungs after we part. You’d figure since I did once before it would get easier. I’m very pro research but yet, it’s just another reminder there’s no going back.
Reality setting in more & more, bit by bit.
I’m not crazy waiting & I won’t be going there.
I’m trying to make this time meaningful & spend it well.