The Difference A Year Makes

I felt off today when I got up & I didn’t immediately know why.  But then it hit me.  I saw something in my Timeline on Facebook that triggered me.

Just a year ago, I had been in Chicago for the weekend for a LAM meeting, catching up with things & people. I went home a little more tired than usual.

I noticed my breathing was a bit worse in the halls, even after I started to drop weight which usually helped.  Noticing it before that even, figuring it was just the harshness of winter.

“Things always get better in the spring,” I told myself.  Only this time, that wouldn’t be true.

I had been slowing on the phones on my job & glad I was promoted because I wasn’t quite certain how long I could keep up the volume of calls I had been taking without things being obvious.

Screaming headaches after exercise would soon follow as the real warning shot…

All of this I shared with no one as it happened at first because it took me a minute to unpack.

All of this (as I look back) was my mind mentally adjusting & preparing to don the armor once again.  Subconscious signals I knew big changes were afoot again.

Just not fully realizing then how many…

A year ago, I was getting short of breath talking normally bit by bit…the bottom about to fall out.   (I expected oxygen…transplant – not so much.)

Well it did, I’m surviving it.  In my own way.  Some days it’s easier than others.

I’ll probably be taking a few more steps back from social media to regroup & readjust.

Spending more time playing games, writing, doing fun stuff.

Maybe attending a few events or seeing what I can do about making the polls around here & rallies more accessible or at least raising the voice on that issue (& a few others) to someone.

This blog is important & I’ll continue it.

Sickadilly chat is important & I’ll continue that.

Beyond that, I’m just not sure right now.

That’s ok.

I can’t take care of others outside my immediate inner circle & those who are strong with me.   I’m not in a position to make promises or guarantees to anyone.  I won’t.

I can’t be anyone’s hero or inspiration or role model or guru right now.

I can only be me.

I’m preparing to get into fighting shape again.  That may be selfish, but that’s what I need to do.

I just signed another consent for more research to be done on these lungs after we part. You’d figure since I did once before it would get easier.  I’m very pro research but yet, it’s just another reminder there’s no going back.

Reality setting in more & more, bit by bit.

I’m not crazy waiting & I won’t be going there.

I’m trying to make this time meaningful & spend it well.

 

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6 thoughts on “The Difference A Year Makes

  1. Wishing you all good things, sister. You gotta feed your soul.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Reblogged this on The Sick and the Dating and commented:
    Those of us who are hardest hit by serious illnesses go through these phases where we need to fold down into ourselves to regroup and reevaluate and re-prioritize. This is not the time for capes or pink ribbons or pedestals. This is not the time for insincerity. It’s the time for contemplating life and death. It’s the time to weigh quality over quantity.
    + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Be selfish…I don’t think you are though…take care of you! You are still an inspiration. Peace to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. Many transplant friends have told me this is one hell of a ride & I see why. But I promised I’d be honest with this blog in the event that someone else might take something away from it. You’re right – self care isn’t selfish.

      Liked by 1 person

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