I’ve been telling some friends about a dream I’ve had recently. I admit I don’t normally share things like this for a couple reasons. The prime reason being I don’t dream a lot to begin with. (Doesn’t mean I don’t have hopes & dreams). When I do dream, I don’t typically remember them afterwards whole or in part. I also know that some people have strange reactions to more spiritual subjects like this.
People also have strange & similar reactions to illness, grief, religion, & politics (amongst other subjects).
I wasn’t looking for or needing validation. Yet, I did ask some post transplant friends about it because I wasn’t sure to make of it at first. If it was a common thing. But more & more I open to friends the more I feel compelled to share about it, eventually.
I don’t remember exactly what date this was. It was at least two weeks before my car accident and a few weeks after my evaluation late August. So still fairly recent. At first I kept it to myself, then started slowly sharing with people I felt might see the significance or who might find comfort in it just to toss things around.
It wasn’t vivid. I couldn’t make out colors or faces. Things were dark. Like my room at night when I fall asleep. I heard a strong whisper in my ear. “This is a member of your team. You are on a ventilator. You made it through the surgery ok. Just lay still. You will be ok. ” That was it. I woke up with a comforting energy, but crying. (Most also know I do not emote or cry easily sometimes. I have this midwestern stoicism that is hard to shed).
Now, some may find this imagery disturbing and I can see why. To dream of being in such a serious condition would not be pleasant. Except I felt it & saw it as a symbol of subconscious mental preparation for the future.
The surgery they were referring to was obviously my transplant & my new lungs, no question.
I seriously don’t believe I would have a dream like this if it weren’t meant to come to pass. Some could dismiss this as too general to have much merit. I can see that too, except it’s never happened to me really.
Except – for an isolated dream here or there when I was younger where I was questioning a lot about my religious beliefs. Then also once when a friend’s loved one died. I NEVER shared about any of this before now & only do so now as a frame of reference because it was so moving & personal. Had a lot of the same energy, power, & emotion that this dream had. For a long time, I never quite knew what to make of those dreams I had when I was younger because I was quite young (around 12-15) when these other two happened. I also hadn’t had anything occur since then — until now. But I felt similar energy comforting energy in the past as in this recent dream.
Yet later one of the friends I mentioned it to was someone I had helped a few years ago through a very serious & dark period of health issues & (for a time) hospice/end of life. Especially since that was what her medical team was “trying” to prepare her for.
When she spontaneously reached out to me recently, I asked her about it; but then she also voluntarily relayed some experience. She told me how she actually felt while she was ventilated once. Physical sensations, awareness.
That gave me further comfort because that was one of my concerns I’d never expressed to anyone – doctors or supports about how that was going to be hard for me. I’ve heard stories about people being on ventilators & most of the time the situations are for grave illness. So it did put some fear in me.
However, I can safely say I’ve been able to let go of that, based on what she shared & that is a gift because it happened organically. She didn’t know I needed that; I didn’t even think to ask & didn’t have to. But since we had been through so much together I think it just came based on sense & shared experience.
I’ve always been one, even in the face of dire news, that has done better once I’ve been told what I should expect, what I’m in for. It’s just how I am. How I rise to these challenges.
Maybe these dreams are part of that preparation now. I’m not sure. Maybe it’s just at this juncture because I’ve had time to think more & slow down & be more open to the world just outside basic healthcare dealings when it comes to navigating transplant, not sure. I don’t even think it matters to analyze it, period.
But I don’t doubt the impact or power of those dreams & how I can add them to my arsenal to find comfort & peace in hard times.
I hope though to have more dreams, more awareness, more imagery.
But I shared this in case there’s someone out there like me having similar thoughts & questioning themselves. They are real. You are not crazy to share them or ask someone if you are questioning their significance. They are not figments of an overactive imagination.
Dreams ….. mine can be all over the map these days (when I remember them). However, for decades I had the same dream. I was dressed in clothes unlike any I wore at any point in my lifetime. There would be an argument, a gunshot and I would fall gravely wounded. I frequently wondered if this dream came from a past life of mine. Though, in the eight and a half years since my transplant, I have never had this dream again. Now I am wondering if it was a dream of the future, of someone that would profoundly touch my life….. perhaps my donor died from a gunshot ….. I know I may never know. (Sadly, many people become donors by way of violence).
Agree with being intubated …… it was the worst of the worst immediately post transplant. And I was intubated for 3 weeks, ended up devolping a cyst on my vocal cords that had to be removd 6 months post transplant. 😦
Thank you for sharing something so personal. I admire you for it.
Pingback: Staying The Course | AS I LIVE & BREATHE