What Matters

I’m learning so much in this rehab ward. Yes, it’s a nursing home technically but is teaching me so much about life. 

I knew this is what it might come to for me to get the services I needed; but it wasn’t a strange or off-putting environment for me at this age like it might be for some people. I think this is because I worked in one in high school as my first real job.   So I wasn’t intimidated by the environment itself; although admittedly it can be intimidating, no question.  Things have not changed that much over time either, unfortunately.

But the main thing it’s taught me is about the value of the connections & relationships outside of the walls of this facility that I have, which many here do not.  That was a tough pill to swallow at points.

(It’s not just here where people sometimes don’t have near enough support to take on life’s challenges at times. I read this article from the NY Times & it cut so deep. Another silent struggle that is not often acknowledged).

I’m lucky to have a young(er)ish woman in her to room with & we run at similar speeds & temperament a lot of the time. She is amazingly resourceful & wonderful; but I can clearly see the differences of resources she has her disposal versus what I have at mine. All I can do to help though is listen, but that’s enough & I know that’s what she needs & appreciates.  She helped me in turn when I was still struggling to learn the ropes the first few days I was trying to get back to being self-sufficient but had such physical weakness I hadn’t experienced in years (people who know me & my full story know this isn’t a light admission for me to make).

Although clearly overworked, I see so many staff doing their best to try and meet most if not all our needs within the resources they have.  Things can be and are much worse for others.

It’s a tall order. So many people to help, not enough time. Too many needs.

If I did not have people visiting me & wanting to (despite these circumstances which I understand are tough for people based on their life experiences); things would be harder & depressing even in the midst of great therapy services that I can tell are already making a marked impact to accelerate my recovery.

While I’m anxious to get back to my world; my world comes to me every day. That is something new I have not always experienced as much in the past & is a pleasant surprise. I’ve really seen who rides through the storms to bring me some sunshine.  For that I am grateful.

My world may be smaller right now because of where I can physically travel to & take on stamina wise but it’s still vast & deep.  People I know through volunteering,  improv, social media, friends & family, professional mentors, all come to me on a daily basis for check-ins  (even before) & after the crazy circumstances that put me here.

Because of recent events I know I need to start a call for “all-hands on deck” approach to manage a few things so I can get back to focusing on my listing since that is the end-game for everything & has been from the beginning.

Which I’ve done this “circling the wagons” in dribs & drabs now the past few days & will continue to. I’m getting helpful responses which is encouraging since asking for assistance is not a strong suit. I can at least for a time (there might be a few hiccups along the way) have the opportunity to be able to actually focus on healing up right now, which in past situations I was not always afforded. The rest will right itself with time; but this time with solid anchors & people who can & will help.

Nice to not feel adrift or that I need the answer to everything immediately…which was another trait I carried around for years.

Yes, this is abstract, but once I’m healed up a bit more & have my focus back fully, I can get back to where I was with the writing/blogging process too as far as personal exploration & that is something I am looking forward to.  In addition, tomorrow even though I’m here, I still can feed my inner geek like I do a few times a month too.  It’ll be a trifecta when I go out & feel up to going out for a laugh…it’s coming.

These are things I never seemed to be able to find time to squeeze in or sometimes took for granted. It’s nice to have them to look forward to & to work towards.

I’m so glad I’m also getting better in a sense that I see there’s more to my life (& always has been) over & above medical conditions, problems, & dramas . Granted they can be consuming & distracting; but I know there’s more out there to life than that because I’ve been shown & have experienced it.

I just needed to be in the deep fog of it once to see the sun trying to peek through to dissipate it to be reminded of this.






3 thoughts on “What Matters

  1. Your entry is very poignant. Relationships with others are incredibly important. While I’m saddened that you are currently in a nursing home, it seems like you are learning some powerful lessons while you are there. I wish you peace as you receive the treatment you need and deserve. Lisa @ http://www.bodyinflamed.com

    Liked by 1 person

  2. thank you Lisa. I won’t be here long. Reason I am is since the set-up out here is not a rehab wing of a hospital. Services like what I need are usually utilized by an older population & the nursing home model makes more sense maybe.


  3. Pingback: Aches & Pains Not From LAM/TSC | AS I LIVE & BREATHE

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