Friday it hit me (& of course Facebook reminded me) that it had been a year since I failed my six minute walk test. Which meant I’ve been using oxygen for a year now.
With that realization I had thought about times I had failed in life. How I continue to sometimes fail.
In fact, I am doing Camp NanoWriMo but this time I could only get out 2,000 words & I hit a severe block.
Even after my depression & anxiety lifted, I started playing games & doing other things again. It’s just outside of this blog, my words are not there right now.
So therefore, I am failing to hit my goal of 30,000 words.
Does this make me a failure?
No, it makes me human.
I’ve been on a slow course towards transplant over 12 years because my lungs have been fighting an insidious disease. Now, they are failing. They started failing big time a year ago. In spite of that, they still continue to work for me. I’ve realized this & stop fighting them & blaming them when they can’t keep up.
The treatment I took for six years stopped working effectively a year ago too, did that mean my choice was a failure?
Does it mean the drug is a failure? No.
I would not trade those years of relative calm for anything in the world. When I thought my life was over, it was returned to me. I knew going in to treatment this day could come. But I was going to live until then.
I still live in spite of it.
Because my lungs failed, I had to leave my job.
Does that make me a failure professionally?
No.
It means my body needed a reprieve from my crazy work ethic to focus on the most important battle – the fight for life.
I have incredibly positive vibes & an iron will to live.
Yet, all of this is beyond my control.
If something untoward happens & I lose my life, does that mean I have failed?
No, because I have succeeded in living my life hard, without regret.
I have truly lived more than I have given into fear.
This is because of the company I keep, the family I have, the people I love in life. The experiences I value.
Failure is not the end of the world. It is a learning experience.
Life moves forward whether we succeed or if we fall on our face & get back up & try again.
The only true failure is to never attempt & to be afraid of growth.
There is growth in failure.
As I live And Breathe 
Nikki,
The title almost made me skip past your blog today. Glad I didn’t. It is one of your best and uplifting works.
My thoughts were….Failing Big? Nikki?….not sure I want to read this. Very clever title as it turns out! Your glass is way more than half-full.
A parting thought. Please relax about the 30K word goal. Unless you’re paid by the word, the vast majority of people respond to quality in writing over quantity. You’ve got that going for you in spades.
Knockin’ Wood 4U!
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Dennis, I do things like Nano for fun. I don’t get paid. I figured since I did so well in tackling my challenge in November, I’d try another, but I guess I just wasn’t ready. Often, when I was younger, I wrote poetry. But then stopped, sometimes it just comes & goes. Doesn’t mean it won’t come back, but getting worked up over missing the mark on something I’m doing for fun defeats the purpose of why I went after it in the first place, right 🙂
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I think that facing what you are facing has taught you the ultimate lesson, and that is how to forgive yourself. So many people miss out on that simple point. You obviously have come to the realization that just because you haven’t completed certain levels that your life isn’t meaningful. Love and hugs to you, sister.
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And obviously I wrote this all backwards and got my double negatives twisted up – OY! Lemme try this again: You have learned your life isn’t meaningless. There.
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All good I knew what you meant 🙂
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